Sadness mixed with Peace and Joy

My heart is so sad... but yet I feel serenity and joy.  Why?  Because of Jesus Christ.  I have felt our Savior's love especially yesterday and today as we start the grieving process of my sweet son who peacefully passed away yesterday morning. His suffering has been relieved. He is no longer in pain. He doesn't ever have to worry about cancer being a dark burden again.  I have no doubt that he is happy and lives on! And we will be reunited one day!

As I was laying in bed this morning, wondering if I really wanted to face the day and with tears flowing... I was reminded about a talk I gave last fall (2016) in our Stake Conference. In reading through it again... and the peace I felt... (from my own words & thoughts 4 months ago -Bam! -tender mercy) ... I decided I should share it.  Maybe others who are grieving the loss of Erik may find comfort from it, too.  

⇆⇆⇆⇆⇆⇆⇆

The Atonement is Love

If in an hour you were faced with a hard trial and given the choice to go through with faith and be obedient, or to shy away and follow your own guidance rather than the Lord’s?  What would you do? Evaluate yourself. I sure have done some self evaluation on myself.  -Erik Gray 2013

My son 22 yr old son has cancer. With his permission I will share some of his thoughts from his blog tonight.  I am the mom… I am supposed to take care of him… but he really takes care of me.  He is a big source of my strength.  He inspires me.

I may not get to choose the path I go down, but I can choose HOW I go down that path.  Will I use my experiences to help others?  Will I use my experiences to make sure I am living righteously? -EG

Erik’s cancer is back again.  His story in a nutshell is that he has a rare cancer in the salivary glands called muco epedermoid carcinoma.  He was diagnosed when he was 15, had his first major surgery on his 16^th bday.  And yes, he was able to get his driver’s license that morning.  The cancer has come and gone numerous times.  The past 7 years he has had radiation twice, chemo several times, and 12 surgeries.  One of the surgeries was a 13 hour ordeal where they replaced his jaw with his fibula bone (the smaller bone from his leg).  That was a very long day.  Later that year he would have dental implants for 2/3 of his lower jaw.   During the past 7 years in between treatments and surgeries… Erik hasn’t let it slow him down. 

Don’t let cancer take over your life.  And for most of you who will never have cancer…don’t let circumstances take over your life.  Be yourself and do what you want to do! -EG

He was student body vice pres in high school, involved in xc & track and scouting, service groups in the community and at SUU.    Served a service mission to the St. George Temple and has been attending Utah State until now. His scans were clean for a time… and now …The cancer has come back again. In August,  He moved back to Cedar and be home for cancer treatments.  His cancer has returned… not just localized in his neck anymore, but is throughout his body.  Although, his doctors say it’s incurable, we know miracles can happen.  God willing.

Why do I share this with you?  We all have our moments.  They may be physical, financial, spiritual, whatever.  They may be small, they may be large. Even though they may all be different…. they have one thing in common.  They really truly test our faith and stamina.  How do we survive these moments?  It is through the Savior, through the atonement. 

 I love that with the atonement, Jesus Christ didn’t just pay for our sins.  He suffered for every feeling of pain, hurt and sadness.  I know that no matter what I go through, I will never ever be alone. -EG

It wasn’t until  just lately that I have felt the way I do about trials and hardships.  I have been dealing with this by not dealing with this.  By simply going through the motions.  Those that know me know that this is a huge deal for me to speak tonight.  There were times that I couldn’t even give a prayer in a simple class setting because of the tears.  Last spring I was asked to substitute in RS.  At that time, I thought… ya, I think I am ok now…. I can do that.  Even with the lesson being on the Savior and the Atonement and Resurrection.  I made it through the lesson.  Yes there were tears, but my understanding became so much more.  Throughout my life, I have learned about the atonement in my mind but its not until the last few years that I learned it with my heart.

The best thing about the gospel is change.  Change for the better.  Heavenly Father knows just what we need to go through to make that change. And it will never be anything we cannot do. I take comfort everyday in knowing that I made it through some pretty dark days.  I take comfort in knowing that Heavenly Father loves me enough to test what I am capable of, so that if I endure it well it will be a substantial blessing in my road to Heavenly Father.  -EG

I have felt the Saviors love in several different ways.  

1.  Through others.  Members in our ward, friends in the community and our family members have given me so much support.  They are "willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light; and confort those that stand in need of comfort."

Serving in Relief Society has helped me learn that it’s just as important to be a good receiver as a good giver in times of charitable service.  I know that when I was on the other side of it and wanting to do something and help others… it made me feel good inside.  It’s not fair to deny others of helping and feeling those same feel good feelings.  Plus… it is wonderful to have help and love and notes of encouragement.  People really do care.  I just hope that I can always be there for others to pay it forward. 

Others on the other side of the veil -  I have felt a closeness to my deceased ancestors and a love for them during difficult moments.  I feel like they are close by and that gives me peace.

2.  Church service and callings

I've finally come to terms. I can't be a missionary like we always think of.  And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not being disobedient and I'm really grateful for that.

I've been able to rely on the Spirit, and see the guidance from our Heavenly Father. My mission is specifically designed for me, and I feel like a big part of the missionary work I've done in my lifetime  has been through social media. -EG

I remember vividly the day Bishop Grant came to our home and extended a calling to me.  It was that of YW president.  I was taken aback… I thought how? Why?  I was recently released from a busy RS calling just less than a year before that.  I knew he was Bishop and has inspiration and he also had information… regarding my serving in a busy calling.  And it was at a time that Erik was in remission and was doing well.  We have a big ward… with so many capable people… why me?  It took me a few days to get an answer back to the Bishop.  My thought…. How could I NOT serve?  How could I NOT serve… the Lord?  He has done so much for us.  We have had miracles happen and so many tender mercies through our family’s situation and really throughout my life.  How could I NOT give back?  So I said yes and pursued forward.  I feel that the calling was more for me to re learn my identity.  who I was… not just Dennis’ wife or Justin’s mom or Camden’s grandma…. But who I am???… Relearning the basis of Faith in Jesus Christ, the whole plan of why we’re here and my divine nature, that I am a daughter of God who is loved individually and personally. 

With my current church calling of that in being a Family History Specialist.  I have been reminded about the big plan… the plan of salvation and that no matter what happens in this life and what happens with Erik’s cancer… this life is not it.  There’s so much more.

3.   Scriptures

I was reading in Alma this past week about the stripling warriors.  Helaman knew these guys were young and inexperienced... and there was a task at hand and some decisions to be made.  They amazed him with their courage saying:

"behold our God is with us, and he will not suffer that we should fall; then let us go forth"

I immediately thought of my own son Erik and how he is a modern day stripling warrior with his courage and pushing forward with faith and trust.

The scriptures give me not just understanding and knowledge, but invite the spirit to touch my heart.

Courage

is a hard thing,but it's relying on the Lord with faith.  The Lord has a plan for me. It's not even close to anything I imagined four years ago. But it's blessed my life.  Even though I've suffered and felt pain, it's been worth it because of the growth I have received. -EG

4.  Temples …. The peace and love I get from attending the temple helps me feel closer to my Savior.  It has truly been my joy to attend the temple with my husband and on many occasions with my son, Erik.  He would say… when we’re up in Salt Lake for such and such appt…. let’s do an endowment session at the Salt Lake Temple.  Or if we were short on time, we would make it a point to drive by various temples and take in their beauty and serenity.  He has been to all but one of the 16 temples and is anxiously awaiting the chance in our new Cedar City Temples.  He was able to serve a service mission at the St George Temple 2 years ago.  He lived at home and I loved the spirit of love he would bring home each day.  He loves temples and it has rubbed off on me!

5.  Prayers and Priesthood blessings.  A dear husband who is my rock.  I have often felt buoyed up by the prayers that so many have offered in our behalf.  I feel peace and feel comforted when I pray.

 6.   Gratitude.  Recognizing the good in all the bad that is going on.  Writing in a gratitude journal and posting #100happydays.  Focusing on  blessings.  My dad would often say… When at night I am far from sleep…. I count my blessings instead of sheep. 

7.  Music.  And speaking of not being able to sleep at times…. Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing it was all a bad dream…… Two favorite Pandora stations are LDS hymns and spa music.  In 2013, Erik had an allergic reaction to an anti-biotic.  While waiting for the counteractive medicine to kick in….he was having a hard time breathing.  I remember holding his hand and him asking me to sing hymns to him.  It was a scary moment but consoled with music.

8.  Tender Mercies.  Too many to name…

but a few simple ones come to mind

Surrounded by Family with our grown kids– when bad news came.

When my other son Chris was on a mission and bad news came at Christmas time and we were able to talk on the phone with him and make sure he was good with his little brother’s news.

Jeep – sturdy vehicle for winter driving.  Little did we know that the next winter would be filled with lots of trips up and down I-15.

5 Grandbabies born… the littles are so much fun and it’s a blessing to have them live closeby.

Sister got enagaged… a marriage to plan.

Justin’s recent football injury. 

Married children live closeby.

A recent tender mercy is that of a timely Ensign article. 

This all hit very very hard when we heard this latest news in July… as several of his doctors told us, clinically, he is terminal, but there are still lots of new treatments available to try.  We also believe miracles can happen if it is God’s will.  Two days before we fully got the news that something was up, my married daughter, Ashley, called me up and said… “Did you look at the new Ensign that just came out”  “Did you have a chance to read Elder Bednar’s article?”  Having not seen it yet, … I pulled it out and read it before going to bed.  It was so timely as it helped prepare me for the “bomb shell” news the doctor gave us.   

This article is entitled "Accepting the Lord's Will and Timing"

Elder Bednar shares the thought from Elder Maxwell that it is better to not shrink than to survive. He also asks the question, ‘I know you have the faith to be healed, but do you have the faith not to be healed?

“Many of the lessons we are to learn in mortality can be received only through the things we experience and sometimes suffer. And God expects and trusts us to face temporary mortal adversity with His help so we can learn what we need to learn and ultimately become what we are to become in eternity.”

God is in charge.  He has allowed his son to perform the ultimate infinite atonement for all of us.  I know this was hard for him.  I can truly relate as I see my own children suffer the trials of life and especially my son Erik.  I know that the Savior can turn what we think are roadblocks into just speedbumps as we draw close to Him.

I have to remember that the unknown is okay- because someone DOES know. My life isn't just in my hands, but the hands of a loving Heavenly Father and my Savior and brother

Jesus Christ. Because they know it all, there are sometimes

that all I can do is trust. -EG

When I was asked if I could speak tonite… I thought… yes, I know I can now… I have come a ways… but would I be able to stay composed and would Erik be okay on October 29?…. The thoughts simply came to me that the Lord will take care of Erik  and how could I NOT…. bear testimony of the Savior’s love of our family and share how I have been strengthened.     

I do bear testimony that I know that the Savior loves us.  The atonement is real… if we are willing to… "not shrink".  I love my husband.  He is my rock… my support and is so patient with me. I love my family and the support they give to me as their mother.  I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has helped me learn more about the atonement not just in my mind but in my heart.   This I share in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.